1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,120
This programme contains some strong
language and some scenes of a sexual
nature

2
00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:07,960
HE GROANS AND CHUCKLES

3
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,520
I love that view.

4
00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:20,200
Who the fuck...?

5
00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:29,440
ALARM CLOCK BEEPS

6
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,440
HE WHIMPERS

7
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:35,480
Ugh!

8
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,080
Shit.

9
00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:49,920
Yeah, OK.

10
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,680
Here you go, mate.

11
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:53,800
All right?

12
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,120
Jesus!

13
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,800
Oh, God!

14
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,200
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

15
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,520
Sorry I'm late.

16
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:16,840
HONK-HONK!
Oh...

17
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,160
HE SLURPS

18
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,240
Sorry.

19
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,480
HE UNZIPS

20
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,960
WHIMSICAL UPBEAT MUSIC

21
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,000
INDISTINCT

22
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,040
DING!

23
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:51,480
HE GLUGS

24
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,680
FANFARE AND RECORDED CHEERING

25
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,000
Thank you. Thank you.

26
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,040
MAN GROANS

27
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,280
ALARM BEEPS

28
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,520
Oh, my... Oh, no!
Graham's collapsed.  Oh, God!

29
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,320
Sir?  It's his birthday!  Sir?

30
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:09,400
Is there someone you'd normally
call in a moment like this?

31
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,440
SIREN WAILS

32
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,400
Hello, sir?

33
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,440
Do you have anyone?

34
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:14,960
DANCE MUSIC

35
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,000
Do you know what I mean?

36
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,000
Relationships are
fundamentally fucked.

37
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,440
You know when you meet someone and
you feel like your life is fixed,

38
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,080
but then you just
end up hurting them?

39
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,840
And then what? And then you're dead.

40
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,040
I'm going to go dance
with my friends.

41
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:30,600
All right?

42
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,480
You know what I mean? Like,
how are we meant to know how to love

43
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,200
if we were never taught how to love?

44
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,360
Totally.  It's fucked up.
HE SPITS

45
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,440
We just end up doing all
the same shit our parents did.

46
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:50,680
I want to come in your face.

47
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,680
Oh... Y-yeah. Oh...

48
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,360
Come here often?

49
00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,200
Shh, shh.  Sorry.

50
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,600
Ohhh!

51
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,680
Jamma!  Ohhh! Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.

52
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,320
Oh, my God! My sofa!
No. No, no, no...  Get off!

53
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,840
Oh... It's not what it looks like.

54
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,840
Who's that?  I don't know!
I've never met him!

55
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,640
No! No! What are you doing?

56
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:13,560
I'll just get it off with this.  No!

57
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,920
SHOUTING

58
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:23,680

down, down, down

59
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,440


60
00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:28,680

around and around

61
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,840

the funnel of love

62
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,720


63
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,640


64
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,760


65
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,840

the funnel of love

66
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:52,160

down, down, down

67
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,800


68
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,000

around and around

69
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:01,080

the funnel of love

70
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:06,640


71
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,080
Just say it.  Say what?

72
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,880
You were only meant to be
crashing here a few weeks, Jam.

73
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,120
It HAS been a few weeks.

74
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:20,360
It's been six months!

75
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,080
Can you sit down?
You're stressing me out.

76
00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:27,080
We feel like you've been a bit lost
ever since you broke up with Guy.

77
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:28,480
What? No, no. No, I haven't.

78
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,080
You covered my sofa in jizz stains.

79
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:32,120
Oh, they're not mine.

80
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:33,800
That makes it worse.  Much worse.

81
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,320
Sorry, when did you two
become a married couple?

82
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,240
What? We're not...
..a married couple.

83
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,920
You just finished each
other's sentence.

84
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,320
No, we...  ..didn't.

85
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:42,440
Oh, my God.

86
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,480
Maybe it's time that you...

87
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,520
HE SIGHS

88
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,600
..text Guy.

89
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,640
No, no. OK. No. Sorry.

90
00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,480
My life has never been better, OK?

91
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,360
You're literally a clown.

92
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,040
Events entertainment facilitator.

93
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,280
That's not a job.

94
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,320
Says the guy who's painting
nipples for a living.

95
00:04:58,320 --> 00:04:59,560
They're not nipples!

96
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,040
It's abstract.

97
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,360
You need honest feedback.

98
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:07,520
You need to move out.

99
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,200
It's my exhibition tomorrow
and your shit's still everywhere.

100
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,440
Winnie...

101
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:13,080
But we're having a-so much a-fun.

102
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,320
Yeah, I know it's been fun,
but I'm just...

103
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,400
I'm trying to do...
BOTH:  ..the right thing.

104
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,880
Jinx!  No, no, no!

105
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,360
BOTH:  Touched your bum,
made you come.

106
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:21,400
On the sofa.

107
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,720
BOTH:  Too soon. Jinx!

108
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:23,920
Touched your bum, made you come.

109
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,720
Again!
EXCITED CHATTER

110
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,520
I can't make art under
these conditions!

111
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:34,280
Oh, OK, look, what if I got
the jizz stain out your sofa?

112
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:35,360
You should do that anyway.

113
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,480
Shh...

114
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:37,520
Then can I stay?

115
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,240
OK!  Yes! I'm going to get the spray.

116
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,640
SHE CHUCKLES

117
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:43,680
Silly.

118
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,520
What? He jinxed me!

119
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,520
Jinxed.  You saw.

120
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,560
Oh, Jamma, you've left
your phone in the...

121
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,280
MESSAGE SEND SOUND

122
00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,400
No more flighty, immature men.

123
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,240
Well, yes, exactly. I have
been burnt so many times.

124
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,920
It's not our job to rescue them.
We've done the work.  Exactly.

125
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,360
All I want is a solid relationship.

126
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,240
Someone to make me
a cup of tea.  Yes.

127
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,040
Someone to split the
admin with.  Please!

128
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,960
You sort the flight,
I'll book the hotel.

129
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,200
Well, that's exactly that.

130
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,640
iCal or Google?

131
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,360
Well, I mean... Come on...

132
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,800
It's iCal every time.  Yes! We sync.

133
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:38,080
This is going well, isn't it?

134
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,320
Yeah. Yeah, very, very well.

135
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:42,880
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, sorry.

136
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,120
I should have turned
that off. Erm...

137
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,600
You OK?  Erm... Yeah. Sorry.

138
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,120
Yes. Erm... That is, er...

139
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,000
That is... That is my accountant.

140
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:02,480
Well, I didn't want to brag on my
profile, but I am an Excel whiz.

141
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,000
Stop it! You're turning me on.

142
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,760
And that's another thing
I do not miss.  What's that?

143
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,640
The sex.

144
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,680
Give us an itinerary over
a blowjob any day, right?

145
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:13,720
Mm.

146
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,480
Hey, homemakers. Squeaky Dyke here.

147
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,920
Today, I'm going to be showing you
how to get those pesky stains

148
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:25,160
out of your sofa.

149
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,840
All you need is vinegar.

150
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,120
Now, the crazy thing about vinegar
is it actually contains some

151
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,480
really special enzymes
that break down the fabric,

152
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,320
so whatever you do, do not put
the vinegar on the sofa.

153
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,160
That will just ruin the whole thing.
HE GASPS

154
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,520
And under no circumstances
should you rub the vinegar in,

155
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:42,400
cos that'll just make
a bad situation worse.

156
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,560
But if you have done
that for some reason,

157
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:48,400
like a complete moron, don't worry
because you can actually fix that

158
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,040
by quickly grabbing
some bicarbonate of soda.

159
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,240
Bicarbonate of soda...

160
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,360
Now, you really want to have
that in your hands right now

161
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,720
because this is a time-pressure
situation.  Yes, yes, yes! Hold on!

162
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,120
The amazing thing about bicarb is
it actually contains some enzymes

163
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,720
which break down the vinegar.

164
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,240
But listen to me very carefully.
Yes, yes, I'm listening.

165
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:08,240
Only sprinkle the bicarb in
one quick motion onto a tissue.

166
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:12,000
Aaaargh!  Direct contact will
permanently discolour the sofa.

167
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,120
And I mean, that's just
not going to recover.

168
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,240
You won't be able to fix it.

169
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,920
OK, hope that was helpful.

170
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,000
Squeaky Dyke over and out.
OK, no, I'll just...

171
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,600
And please do not get the genius
idea of hiding one stain

172
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,920
by staining the whole sofa, cos
that's just never going to work.

173
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,000
Fuck you!  Fuck you!

174
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,960
Please like and subscribe. Bye!

175
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,120
Oh... Oh...

176
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:37,720
HE GROANS

177
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,200
Noooo!

178
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,200
Aaaaaargh!

179
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,760
Aaaargh...

180
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,720
HE TYPES

181
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,680
Aaaaaargh!

182
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,840
TRANQUIL MUSIC

183
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,280
Oh...

184
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:39,760
Mm.

185
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,520
DISTANT VOICE:  Jamma...

186
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:58,840
Jamma...

187
00:09:58,840 --> 00:09:59,960
TRANQUIL MUSIC FADES

188
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:02,960
Jamma...

189
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,160
Jamma! What have you done?!

190
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,880
I can explain.  Good luck finding
a place to sleep tonight

191
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:11,920
cos it ain't here.
What, you're throwing me out?

192
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,360
Isaac is right - I have to
be more boundaried with you

193
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,120
and...this is a boundary.

194
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,400
I'll sort it before the exhibition.

195
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,480
Really?

196
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,680
The composition and then the
background and the foreground,

197
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:23,640
but it's an optical
illusion, really...

198
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,760
Oh... How?

199
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:26,800
HE GASPS

200
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,760
HE GASPS SHARPLY

201
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,320
Don't you hide from me!

202
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:32,880
What is Guy doing here?

203
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,320
Oh, er...
I text him from your phone.

204
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,400
What?! What happened to boundaries?

205
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,720
It's cute when I do it.

206
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,640
SHE GIGGLES
Winnie!

207
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:05,280
Hello and welcome to this
open-house exhibition.

208
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,000
Woo!

209
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:14,160
Er... As you can see,
we are in the artist's abode,

210
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:18,160
but the artist himself
will remain anonymous.

211
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,480
Why?

212
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:21,960
The artist, erm, er...

213
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,000
..wants you to give honest
feedback on these...

214
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,440
Nipples?  Not nipples.

215
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,320
Mammary glands.  Not mammary glands.

216
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,680
Areolas.  No, definitely not areolas.

217
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,360
Breast-feeding.  OK, stop guessing.

218
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,640
Are you the artist?

219
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,360
No.  So, then, how do you know?

220
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,200
Er... I... I-I don't.

221
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,880
So they could be nipples?

222
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,080
Yeah.

223
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,000
CHATTER

224
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:52,200
OK, well, this artist does accept
debit cards, credit cards, Amex...

225
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,600
Hello?

226
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:54,640
Erm...

227
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:05,720
Hello.

228
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,400
Hi. What are you doing here?

229
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,040
Well, just here to support Isaac.

230
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,240
Me too.

231
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,640
Yeah, I've just come in now cos
I don't live here on the sofa.

232
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,400
Oh, right.  Yeah.

233
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:18,680
That's my jacket.

234
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:26,840
I'll just go put it back, then.
Mm-hm.  Yeah.

235
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:41,600
Get out!

236
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,680
Oh... These are paint pots.

237
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,040
How are you, anyway?

238
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,840
Oh, yeah. Good. Really good.

239
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,640
Yeah, you know,
just having fun, doing my own thing.

240
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,600
Winnie says you're a performer now.

241
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,600
Events entertainment facilitator.

242
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,920
Ah.  Yeah, it's like,
er, performance art,

243
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,720
but very balloon-based.

244
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:04,880
So, like a clown.

245
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,400
That's the technical term, I guess.

246
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,480
So, it's all worked out, then?

247
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,280
Yeah, definitely. Really well.

248
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:10,560
Oh, good.  You?

249
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:13,160
Yeah, good. Just, er,
moved into a new house.

250
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,080
Do you have a spare room?
What?  Nothing.

251
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,040
And, erm, and I'm writing a book.

252
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,680
Ah. About what?

253
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:20,920
Erm... It's about commitment...

254
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:24,800
..in long-term relationships.

255
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,160
Ah... That's... That's good. Yeah.

256
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:32,760
I mean, it is definitely a nipple
cos this is the same as my mole.

257
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:33,920
Oh, my God.

258
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,240
What? Huh?

259
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,040
Why does everyone
think they're nipples?

260
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,520
Pfft. People are so immature.

261
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,800
Oh! Oh, my God.
She actually turned up.

262
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,840
Who?  Maya Calatchi.  Ah.

263
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,200
She's only the finest
fine artist of our generation.

264
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,520
Well, go and talk to her.

265
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:52,560
I... I can't.

266
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:53,760
Oh, my gosh. Come.

267
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,800
I'll be your Winnie-man.  OK.

268
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,080
Smile.  Eee...

269
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:01,400
WINNIE CLEARS THROAT

270
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,680
WHACK!
Hi, I'm Maya Calatchi.

271
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:05,920
No.  No, you're Maya Calatchi.

272
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,400
We're all Maya Calatchi.

273
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,800
Calatch-me if you can! Ha-ha!

274
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,040
I'm such a huge fan.
I absolutely adore your work.

275
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:16,720
I think it's neo, erm...
classic...liberal...

276
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,960
..m-m-meta...metatarsal...
metaphysical, erm...

277
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,200
..colon...post-colonoscopy...

278
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,800
I think it's so cool.

279
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,760
Are you an artist?  Yes.

280
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:26,800
Yeah, I'm an artist.

281
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,720
And I'm his muse.  What?  Hmm?

282
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,400
So, what do you think
about this garbage?

283
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:34,040
Garb... Garbage?

284
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,440
Erm... It's provocative garbage.

285
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:41,040
I think the artist is just trying
to elicit the cyclical nature of...

286
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,360
Nipples.  Nipples.

287
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,200
OK, I'm going to stop you there,
Maya Calatchi.

288
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:49,120
I find these paintings
deeply erotic and Isaac is...

289
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,960
I'm not into them.

290
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,760
Er, yeah. Garbage. Shit.

291
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,880
Where is this so-called artist?

292
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,480
He's an enigma.
Some say he's like Banksy.

293
00:14:58,480 --> 00:14:59,960
More like Wanksy.

294
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,800
The only piece in here of note...

295
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,120
..is that one.

296
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,680
So Duchampian.

297
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,520
Oh...

298
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,880
Oh.

299
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,440
I like your jumper.

300
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,600
Oh. Erm...

301
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,120
Er... Oh. Er, right.

302
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,320
Erm... Well, it's...

303
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,000
I ca... I can't...

304
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,400
Well, it's... I...

305
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,360
It's a jumper.

306
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,440
Hmm.

307
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,760
OK...
JAMMA CHUCKLES

308
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:38,040
What?  What was that?

309
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,720
What was what?  The hottest guy
in the room just came up to you

310
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:43,920
and stroked your bicep, and you
told him your jumper was a jumper.

311
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,360
Well, it is a jumper.
He was flirting with you.

312
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,480
Jamma, he wasn't flirting with me.

313
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,560
Wow.  Yeah.  Where's your game?

314
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,480
What do you mean, what game?
What happened?

315
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,360
What do you think happened, Jamma?

316
00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,200
Listen, erm, I'm going
to go because, er,

317
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,360
I have writing deadlines and...

318
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,840
Yeah. I'm sorry. That was... Erm...

319
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,360
GUY SIGHS
Sorry. Excuse me.

320
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,480
Ugh!  Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God!

321
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,360
I know how to get a stain out.

322
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:19,040
The chaotic staining,
the bleeding hues...

323
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,840
It's obviously conveying the
fractured psyche of someone

324
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:26,000
yearning for a love
that is now out of reach.

325
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,040
Hmm.  Hmm.

326
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,920
I want to buy it.

327
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:29,960
What?  What?

328
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:33,800
Now I understand this vision,
the artist intrigues me.

329
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,360
It is I.

330
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,560
I am the artist.

331
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,520
You are the artist?  Yeah. Yeah.

332
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,640
So you are the one
behind the nipples?

333
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,320
Ah, they're not nipples.

334
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:46,920
So you were lying to me?

335
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:52,160
No.  I hate it when artists
don't stand by their own work.

336
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,320
Then I stand by it.

337
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,960
You shouldn't. It's shit.

338
00:16:54,960 --> 00:17:00,480
Oh.  You know, I would respect
them more if they WERE nipples.

339
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:02,400
No, no, wait.

340
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:03,960
They are.

341
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,000
Ah!

342
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,120
Look at the mole!

343
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,960
Huh. Oh, wow. Thanks.
That is my favourite jumper.

344
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,800
Mine too.

345
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:14,840
Mm.

346
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:17,960
What are you doing after this?

347
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,920
Grouting my new bathroom.

348
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,000
On a Saturday night?

349
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,720
Yeah, well, it...needs to be dry
in time for my bath on Sunday.

350
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:25,880
We need to get you laid.

351
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,240
You are unbearable.

352
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:28,840
I know.  That is another paint pot.

353
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,480
Er...  Oh, my God, I'm sor...

354
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,320
I'll do the stain thing again.  Yeah.

355
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,000
Got eyes on him?  Mm-hm.

356
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,760
Right, now, you wait until
he's looking at you...

357
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,920
Right, mm-hm.  ..and then you
give him the gay gaze.

358
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,120
The gay ga... The what?
The gay gaze.

359
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:46,320
It's when you hold eye
contact for a bit too long

360
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:48,320
and if he holds it back, it's on.

361
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,000
All right.  Ready?

362
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,360
Is he looking?

363
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,960
Yep.  OK, do it now.

364
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,440
Eye contact. Go.

365
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,560
SULTRY MUSIC

366
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:01,960


367
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,720


368
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,040
The fuck is that?

369
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,240
What do you mean?!
You told me to hold eye contact!

370
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,920
You're like a basilisk!
He's going to report you!

371
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,200
Oh, my God. Turn around.  Oh, God!

372
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,440
Right, OK, after three,
turn back round.

373
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:15,920
If he's still looking, it's go time.

374
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,080
I'm not sure about this, Jamma.

375
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:18,880
One, two, three, go!  Oh...

376
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,160
Oh, sweet Jesus.

377
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,640
Hi.

378
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,920
I'm Lloyd.

379
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,760
Hi, Lloyd. Yeah, this is Guy.

380
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,680
Hello.

381
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,080
You into nipples?

382
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,160
Excuse me?

383
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,560
The paintings.  Oh, erm... Yeah.

384
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,920
So you have sensitive nipples?

385
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:36,000
Er... Sorry?

386
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,480
He does.  You?

387
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:38,720
Nah, they do nothing for me.

388
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,280
GUY SCOFFS
That's not what I remember.

389
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,240
Yeah, sorry, I lied.

390
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,560
Are you two a couple?

391
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,040
I have a thing for couples.

392
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,400
We're actually, erm...

393
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,920
Yes, we are...a couple.

394
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:55,480
That's hot.

395
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:57,880
What are you doing?

396
00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,600
I'm helping you out.

397
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:00,800
Ever had a threesome?

398
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,080
Oh...  No, my husband
is very old-fashioned.

399
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,480
No... No, I'm not.  You can come
back to mine if you want.

400
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:06,960
Do you have a spare room?  Yes, I do.

401
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,800
Er... Just... Can I have a second?

402
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,000
Yeah.  Sorry. Thank you. Do you mind?

403
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,920
Thanks. What is happening right now?

404
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,200
He wants a threesome!

405
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,040
Oh, yeah. No, I got that bit.
This is perfect.

406
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,080
You get to have some actual fun in
your life and I get a place to stay.

407
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:20,640
What, you haven't
got a place to stay?

408
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,160
You're focusing on the wrong thing.

409
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,720
Come on, it'll be weird.

410
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,040
It'll help you get over me.

411
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,200
Well, who...who said
I wasn't over you?

412
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,760
Are you?  Yeah. Definitely.

413
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,640
Good. Then it won't be weird,
will it?

414
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,280
Jamma, I'm not going
to have a threesome.

415
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,320
I can't believe we're
having a threesome.

416
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,400
I can't believe he's
got underfloor heating.

417
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,360
Do you reckon I could use his bath?

418
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,560
Make yourselves at home.

419
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:43,640
Oh, we will.

420
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,360
JAMMA GASPS

421
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:48,600
Are you seeing this?
What, all the sex toys?

422
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:52,040
No, the sofa is the same
as Winnie's, but brand-new.

423
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,240
Why the fuck are you
two still dressed?

424
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,840
Sorry, Zacky boy.

425
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,800
You did say you wanted
honest feedback.

426
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,560
Yeah, not THAT honest.  Hmm.

427
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:16,880
At least we sold the sofa.

428
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,080
Sorry.

429
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,400
I don't have a fractured psyche.

430
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,680
Everyone has a fractured
psyche, Isaac.

431
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,040
Maybe we just need to figure out

432
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,240
what it is you're actually
trying to say, you know?

433
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,400
Other than the fact you're
completely obsessed with me.

434
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,240
That's not what I'm trying to say.

435
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,680
OK. Tell your subconscious that.

436
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,000
SHE CHUCKLES

437
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,080
Say something domestic.

438
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,640
Domestic?  Hmm.

439
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,560
Something couply.

440
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,160
Oh. OK, look, erm, you know,
we're not actually a couple.

441
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,320
We broke up.  Yeah.

442
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,760
Yeah, that's good, that's good.

443
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,480
No, no, that wasn't dirty talk.
Genuinely, we've broken up.

444
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,120
Oh, yeah? I bet the
break-up sex was amazing.

445
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:07,720
I don't think we actually had any...

446
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,640
Yeah, it was. It was really sexy.

447
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,800
I love break-up sex.  Oh, God.

448
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,320
So raw.  Mm-hm.

449
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:14,760
So broken.

450
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,400
Oh.  Tell him how he hurt you.

451
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,320
Sorry?

452
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,160
Did he break your heart?

453
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:22,840
Yeah, yeah, he did.

454
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:24,960
Did I?  I don't know. Sorry,
are we still doing dirty talk?

455
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,480
Shh. Stay open, yeah?

456
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,360
Yeah.  Stay vulnerable.

457
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,360
It was you who finished it with me.
That's it, that's it.

458
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,080
Well, only because you
wanted me to.  That's it.

459
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,560
No, I wanted commitment.

460
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:34,960
You're the one who didn't
want to do the work.

461
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,440
Well, relationships
shouldn't be work.

462
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,680
That is categorically
not true, Jamma.

463
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,120
Is there anything
you're afraid to say?

464
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,160
There's nothing I'm afraid to say.

465
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,920
Say it.  Well, no, I can't.

466
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:43,960
Just say it.

467
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,160
God, it's been a...

468
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,040
..really shitty six months, Jamma.

469
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,680
You know that?

470
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,320
Just as I'm getting my life in
order, you decide to text me.

471
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:56,960
How do you think that makes me feel?

472
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,560
I...

473
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,800
I'm sorry.

474
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:05,880
I've really missed you.

475
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:08,560
WHISPERS:  Fuck.

476
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,040
Well, yeah, I've missed you too.

477
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:17,200
Ugh!

478
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:19,760
Ugh...

479
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,440
LLOYD GRUNTS

480
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,240
LLOYD SIGHS
Wow.

481
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,200
You two are really good
at roleplay.

482
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:33,480
Hmm.

483
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,200
WATER RUNS

484
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,960
Jamma, have you seen my pants?

485
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,960
Your pants?  Yeah, the blue ones.

486
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,120
No.

487
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,760
So...back to your place?

488
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,920
Obviously that was a joke.

489
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:57,800
Well, where ARE you going to stay?

490
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,240
Oh, I just, erm...

491
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,160
WHISPERS: I might need
your help with something.

492
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:09,960
How?

493
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,000
Long story, but I can
never go back to Gravesend.

494
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,520
Welcome back, cheeky boy.

495
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:17,200
Oh, thank you, cheeky girl.

496
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,000
Oh, sleepy time now.  Sleepy time.

497
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,280
Night-night.

498
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:23,640
HE SIGHS

499
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:32,680
HE INHALES